You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I looked at my own cervix.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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