I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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