He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
