Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
