My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
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