I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
