apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
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