Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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