the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize