Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
