break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
