Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
