I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
