All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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