I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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