i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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