I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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