i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
