I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
