Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
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