sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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