My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
