Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Randomize
