Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
