I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
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