I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
