new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
