i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize