i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
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