how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
