So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
