my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Randomize
