They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Randomize
