i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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