Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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