pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
