I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
