theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
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