dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
