are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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