So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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