my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
