I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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