Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
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