You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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