There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
