Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize