Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
