Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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