i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
