i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
