got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Randomize
