mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
