You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
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