What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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