I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
